I hope you will see more of who I am and who I may be becoming rather than the things I have done or talk about doing. Granted, who we are usually dictates what we do, but our actions are not always the outward expression of our hearts. Society expects of us. We may want something else. Dance with the bad dancer long enough and you’ll start looking sloppy too….Even now I am still trying to hear and revisit the heart God created me with. It has been wrapped up for a very long time in the ways and consequences of my searching for relevance and love. It’s funny how we can be trying to prove something to ourselves and others and not realize it.
I used to want to be the best at what I did and who I was (for a while I was even worried I would fall back into being that person), but who I was before believed I was only as good as I was at things.”Find what you’re good at and do it”..that’s a great thing, but it can be a bad thing depending on who lives on the inside. If the person inside only cares about him/herself you can bet all that time and energy is going to poured out into things that never return and leave us empty looking for another something to fill our void. I have learned how fleeting talents, looks, grades, people, and stuff are. It doesn’t matter how hard you work or how hard you plan. All the pieces can appear perfectly fit, but we are not the creator of the pieces nor the one holding the puzzle together. I have ventured down a few different paths that “I” was sure of and enjoyed, but it’s funny how God has a way of re-directly us to Himself and others instead of ourselves. This as you might know is quite painful, but He is stronger than I can ever be. Faster than I can ever run. He will do whatever it takes to get our attention, because God doesn’t want us to keep running to keep up. He is always right here with us. Our lives are not score cards, rather divine gifts meant to be enjoyed. We are meant to be happy, loved, and whole. We cannot possibly earn it.
The past three years have consisted much of Josh getting over Josh. In pretty much every way. I spent so much of my teen years and part of my early 20’s chasing. Just that, chasing. I had an answer, knew who I was, what I was doing, what my plan was..so I thought. Now none of those things are necessarily bad things, but that was how I identified with myself. That’s about as deep as things got.
I needed a change. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I mean, I knew who I used to be I just didn’t know how to meet him again. I was tired of running. Granted, I was happy when I was doing things that kept me occupied and on pace, but there was something inside that wanted to be recognized again. There was a knock and I was eager to listen.
One morning I woke up, walked outside and went for a walk around the neighborhood and watched the sun come up. I was being my usual self, organizing all of the world in my own unique way… If I, me, could get everything just right in my own mind, then maybe everything would make sense and I would be alright. I watched the sun rise through the trees. I knew I didn’t make that happen. I was not producing the air I was breathing, and I was instantly reminded how small I was and what I believed to be my world was just a pin on the grand scale of God’s handiwork and orchestra of lives, purposes, and stories bringing Him glory. I remember this day as the start of something new.
I knew I needed to know God if I was ever going to get over myself. I never thought I was proud. I wasn’t boastful or arrogant. I was nice to people and just myself. I had a good time, but I have learned not being “bad” doesn’t necessarily mean that you are good. Pride lives in a tight box. It’s a hermit that loves to dress up. I asked God to show me himself. I wanted to know His heart. I didn’t expect what would happen next (I just chuckled, because the deeper I go “I didn’t expect what would happen next” happens all the time)…God started showing me needs. My heart started breaking for people. I started noticing things I would have probably just passed on by before. I wanted to do something about it. I knew that wasn’t Josh that made this new change of heart. this was 3 years ago.
(insert many sleepless nights, how the heck am I going to do this God moments? terrifying moments, far out of my comfort zone moments, great moments, and humbling experiences here….and I know there will be plenty more)
Last weekend I decided to move into a home that was rehabilitated in a neighborhood sadly many would run away from and do drive around. This was me too for most of my life. This home is occupied by a handful of people who have decided to allow God to move through them to bring whatever He would have to this community. I do not know what is in store. It excites me. God is faithful. I pray He keeps pouring into me so I may pour out. One valuable thing I have experienced over the past year or so is how I can still love because God loves, even though Josh at times is on empty. I don’t need to hold on for dear life, God is holding onto me. My life is dear to Him. I’m very thankful for this.